As I’ve been
publishing my old thoughts on learning to swim, I’ve been going through some
mental processes and ended up writing to my teacher…
I was reading
through my blog material about swimming, and I wanted to share something with
you. I was talking to my friend Chris last night and I owe you an
apology. I was talking to her about the day I jumped in with my vest
on. Mind you this is the friend who had a running bet with me that she'd
get her license before I learned to swim. She won, but just
recently. I trust her opinion, and she asked me to honestly remember if I
had trusted you to get me to the side of the pool when I got to the
surface.
The answer, though I hate it, is no.
I didn't trust you, my own body, the vest, nothing. I realized the main problem behind my aquaphobia is my focus. She helped me to go over the near drowning in my mind, in a safe environment, and I recalled a similarity: incorrect focus. See, both times when I panicked, I focused on someone else. When I was a kid, it was "Jon can't swim!" I wasn't thinking to get to the surface and breathe first. I didn't try to stand up and see where he was. I blindly flailed, and the water (my bitch, which she agrees) didn't know which way to take me because my movements were chaotic.
Now, you said you saw me kicking for the surface, and I believe you so that's an improvement, but my focus that time was "Becca! I can't save her!" because I felt totally out of control and I could hear her crying. I'd had the nightmare about her and thought that meant I had to focus on her and how much she needs me to be able to swim, but that's what hurt me. I have to focus on me. But I realized that if I'd really trusted you to help me, I might have been able to start calming down before I got to the side of the pool. At least I hope I would've been. I told her over and over again that I do trust you, that you've gotten me farther than anyone else has. She agreed to that part, and told me I had to change my focus before I could continue. By the way, she sinks like a rock like we do. She's one who's tried to teach me before and failed. The main reason was that she was my size, and I could never believe that she could rescue me if I was in trouble. I know in my heart that you would be perfectly capable of rescuing me, but some part of me won't trust anything but my nonexistent swimming skills...
So, two requests for this summer:
I'd like to try again, to take days off when you have them a spend the day getting me to trust you and myself in the water a lot better. I've said it, now I have to actually do it. And I don't want to stop until you can feel that I am relaxed because I know you're there and that nothing on earth would keep you from saving me if I needed it. Because I know that logically, but until I know it instinctively, there will still be a block to my progress. I have to stay in a place of fear and wait until it goes away... and this time, it can't be the wall that makes me feel safe. She did agree that you are the perfect person to help me. Namely because you don't scare me, and I trust you completely in everything else. I just have to consciously work past that part of me which fears EVERYTHING once I'm under the water. Because once I can trust you there, I will begin to trust myself. And Becca cannot be there. We have to find a day without her, because my mind won't let me focus on saving me if I live in terror of not being able to save her. It's easier if she's not physically there. Thanks for understanding and not giving up on me.
I am actually excited to start this again, and not just because it will mean warmer weather. I want to do this. Not for her. I want to stop being afraid. I want to enjoy the water. I want it to relax me, not freak me out. I want it to, maybe, possibly, be... fun? I don't know, but I'm sick of fearing things… I now count the days until Memorial Day. May this be one challenge of the summer that I rise above this year. To get in shape, lower myself into the water and swim. Finally.
The answer, though I hate it, is no.
I didn't trust you, my own body, the vest, nothing. I realized the main problem behind my aquaphobia is my focus. She helped me to go over the near drowning in my mind, in a safe environment, and I recalled a similarity: incorrect focus. See, both times when I panicked, I focused on someone else. When I was a kid, it was "Jon can't swim!" I wasn't thinking to get to the surface and breathe first. I didn't try to stand up and see where he was. I blindly flailed, and the water (my bitch, which she agrees) didn't know which way to take me because my movements were chaotic.
Now, you said you saw me kicking for the surface, and I believe you so that's an improvement, but my focus that time was "Becca! I can't save her!" because I felt totally out of control and I could hear her crying. I'd had the nightmare about her and thought that meant I had to focus on her and how much she needs me to be able to swim, but that's what hurt me. I have to focus on me. But I realized that if I'd really trusted you to help me, I might have been able to start calming down before I got to the side of the pool. At least I hope I would've been. I told her over and over again that I do trust you, that you've gotten me farther than anyone else has. She agreed to that part, and told me I had to change my focus before I could continue. By the way, she sinks like a rock like we do. She's one who's tried to teach me before and failed. The main reason was that she was my size, and I could never believe that she could rescue me if I was in trouble. I know in my heart that you would be perfectly capable of rescuing me, but some part of me won't trust anything but my nonexistent swimming skills...
So, two requests for this summer:
I'd like to try again, to take days off when you have them a spend the day getting me to trust you and myself in the water a lot better. I've said it, now I have to actually do it. And I don't want to stop until you can feel that I am relaxed because I know you're there and that nothing on earth would keep you from saving me if I needed it. Because I know that logically, but until I know it instinctively, there will still be a block to my progress. I have to stay in a place of fear and wait until it goes away... and this time, it can't be the wall that makes me feel safe. She did agree that you are the perfect person to help me. Namely because you don't scare me, and I trust you completely in everything else. I just have to consciously work past that part of me which fears EVERYTHING once I'm under the water. Because once I can trust you there, I will begin to trust myself. And Becca cannot be there. We have to find a day without her, because my mind won't let me focus on saving me if I live in terror of not being able to save her. It's easier if she's not physically there. Thanks for understanding and not giving up on me.
I am actually excited to start this again, and not just because it will mean warmer weather. I want to do this. Not for her. I want to stop being afraid. I want to enjoy the water. I want it to relax me, not freak me out. I want it to, maybe, possibly, be... fun? I don't know, but I'm sick of fearing things… I now count the days until Memorial Day. May this be one challenge of the summer that I rise above this year. To get in shape, lower myself into the water and swim. Finally.
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