Living in a fishbowl

This explains why my new posts will not have a husband listed as the previous few might have mentioned:

 

            A few days before the end of the year, I finally decided to let a lot of family and friends know why no one has heard much from me but fluff lately.  Facebook is like living in a fishbowl of your own making.  You invite others to be connected with your life, and you become connected with theirs.  This is a beautiful thing, until something comes up which you want others to leave you the hell alone about, and you cringe at the thought of letting others into a certain part of your life.  There is such a thing as privacy, after all. 

            But there is also such a thing as caring and support, and the family and friends I have here have a right to not be blindsided by dumping and venting.  It's a two way street, the caring.  So what I said was to everyone, family of mine and Pat's, and friends we both have, and may have come as a shock, but it was necessary to explain the moving forward which is happening: 

            To put it as painlessly as possible, Pat and I have grown apart over the course of the past two years, and though we've come through a lot together as far as the injury lawsuit and everything that's gone with it, we're not right for each other anymore.  We've fought past depression, poverty and thinking this case was never going to go through.  And though we've both come out the other side stronger individuals, we're also completely different people than we were when this started, and we're not happy together. 

            At this point usually begins the speculation on whether we've REALLY done all we could to make it better, and the answer is we've both done all we know how to.  Short separation, counseling together and apart, in addition to the inevitable angry and frustrated communication and sometimes downright fighting... and it's become clear that it would be better for Becca to grow up in two, content and emotionally healthy homes than to grow up in one, miserable one where the only smiles are lies which frost over the tears of two people who have given up. 

            We care enough about each other to want what's best for Becca and not fight over her like a pawn in a game.  And this isn't a case of "it's not you, it's me" or even "this is all your fault".  We are BOTH bewildered and feel like we've failed, and we're tired of merely existing like this.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.  Especially after two years.  We still feel like a family, sort of, but we've long ago stopped feeling married.  And so, in due time, with care taken to do things right, we won't be anymore. 

            This process won't be easy for us, but with support and understanding, we will always be a family because of Becca, but hopefully we'll be able to move forward past the hurt.  I've always been pretty good with words, but divorce has never been easy for me to say, and it's even harder to explain.  Hence the reason for feeling like this is a fishbowl.  We love you all.  Please pray for us and Becca as we deal with this. 

            I had friends comment that I was strong, or brave, or what have you.  All I felt was relieved.  At least it’s out there now.  I hate living in a lie, and at least now people will understand why we aren’t always out sunny selves.  Maybe in time that sun will come back.