Ready for the unknown

This is a snapshot of how I came to realize I needed the job I have now:

I recently interviewed for a new job that’s vastly unlike anything I’ve done before.  I dumped shortly after on my boyfriend who made the simple mistake of saying “how did it go?” thinking he was going to get “good” and nothing more.  The poor guy had already been up at work all night and was hoping for a two minute conversation before he went home to bed.  I had already talked to my youngest brother for two hours.  Even after all that I am still scared but no longer unsure.  I have a plan of action now and some very specific questions to ask the guy on Monday.

Today was a sore, tired day like so many have been lately, both physically and emotionally, but I’m feeling calmer now.  It’s not a comfortable situation but I will know more after I can ask more questions.  I just have to talk to him, really talk to him and listen, and read his face.  I am cautiously optimistic and perhaps slightly excited.  Should I be?  Could this be a good thing?  It’s been a while since I’ve dared to be hopeful like this about something so uncertain. 

Being at my current job is like being pregnant: I was excited to begin and it changed my life, but I’m tired and ready for it to be done. What comes next is unknown and scary but it’s coming eventually and I’m as ready as I’m going to ever be. I felt that on the day my daughter was born and I feel it now but mostly, I feel strong enough for whatever it is that’s coming. I think I’m finally shedding the skin I had that kept me feeling incapable and scared in my former married life with being attached to someone that scared me and turned me into a robot, barely surviving. I have no guarantees and many questions but... there’s a plaque on the wall of my bedroom. It says "When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something for you to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly."  I feel like Hal Jordan again: this is MY decision, scary but necessary.  I’m going to learn to fly.

Sometimes time seems to stand still as a huge challenge stares us in the face. But the Bible says 365 times that God has told us not to fear.  That much repetition, someone must have meant it.  Monday, I believe my new self may finally be born.  I must trust my gut this time.  The midwife at that birth is waiting, and though she can’t see the outcome until moments before I can, she has the foresight to know this is going to be possible.  Logic is that midwife.  I don’t ask for easy.  Just not impossible.  Don’t let it break me.